Struggling Widow

Growing up, I was one of those girls who fantasized about being with someone famous. I was going to marry Billy Idol… he just didn’t know it. I also wanted a piece of Robert Smith from The Cure, Judd Nelson from The Breakfast Club, and even Danny Elfman back when he was singing with Oingo Boingo. One day, a regular guy with a regular job came into my life. After meeting Scott, he quickly became my biggest crush, consumed my every thought, and then became my husband. He took any thoughts I ever had of Johnny Depp and buried them. Sadly, he passed away last year. We were approaching our tenth wedding anniversary when he had a heart attack in the middle of the night. I tried to save him. I started CPR, but he was already gone.

This will be my first Valentine’s Day without him, and there are many things I miss about him and our relationship. I want to shake people that say marriage is hard because it isn’t. We watched horror movies together, went to concerts, ate sushi together, and he must have told me he loved me 50+ times a day. He would call on his lunch hour, and call when he left work to head home. I will miss our deep conversations. He put me on a pedestal. I would always express that I ate too much, drank too much, and wore too much makeup, yet he was still there for me. We never fought. I lost my chess partner and best friend.

With Valentine’s Day approaching I find myself missing him more than ever… in more ways than one.

Surprisingly, I’ve been more sexually frustrated than I ever thought I would be. I asked a girl at work if it made me a whore to want sex so badly, and she replied that grieving widows are exempt from whore status (I’ll take it!). I came from a marriage where sex was daily. That may be pushing it just a little, but our quest was for 365 times a year. Double up days would happen on the days after an off-day. After our last teenager left the house, we were so excited beause we could do it anywhere at any time without worrying about being caught! Those were the days. Now, I am stuck trying to figure out how to stop this need.

A dear friend once told me that yard work would help curb any sexual frustrations. Two hours in the yard left me hot, sweaty, and my heart was beating faster than ever. To add to my frustration, the morning granted me a chance to change my sheets, do three loads of laundry, hose off the back porch, add more water to the hot tub, Swiffer the floors, vacuum the rugs, load the dishwasher, and the frustration still lingered. Needless to say, my friend is a liar. So, I decided to reenter the dating game in hopes of being able to feel someone again. 

Dating after 10 years of marriage was a hard reminder that I’m now in my forties! I’m not sure what it means to be single because so much has changed.

I’ve met quite a few men; some were widowers, some were not. I miss Scott.  Whoever I plan on seeing on a regular basis will have to respect the time I was married. It was a good marriage and created the woman that I am now. I didn’t think I would ever date again, but I never thought that I would lose my beloved at such a young age. He was only forty-five. I didn’t think the loneliness would hurt so badly.

I was never a party girl. I just like sex. I like to get comfortable with a person. Being with the same person brings about a comfort that goes so much deeper than desire. You grow with that person. When you see that person everyday, you don’t see the changes. You don’t see the wrinkles starting to form around their eyes until you look at old photographs. You don’t see the weight going up and down until their clothes stop fitting. I never noticed his hairline receding but he swore it was. These things just happen, and they happen together.

I miss him everyday. I miss our alone time, I miss hearing him tell me that he loves me, and I know I’m going to miss him on Valentine’s Day. I sit here thinking about being entwined with him, yet knowing that I will never feel him again. He had a wonderful sense of humor, and it makes me giggle that my crush, then my lover, has now become my fantasy man. In my mind, he will never age another day, and he will always be mine.

Brenda L. Smith,

What’s new with Brenda: Living in Winter Haven, FL while working on my first full-length novel. Learning to live as a widow and creator of a new future. I love horror movies, science fiction and playing chess.

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